inside

How it may feel to heal through sexological bodywork

You say it’s like being under water. I swim, dive into myself, reactions, sensations. The deep, unknown expanse of my inner ocean.
It’s dark, cold. Slow. Silent. Deafening silence. Almost stillness. Warm light-drenched upper currents. Breathed in. Drop by drop. Titration.
Drops like lava from Pele’s mountain into the ocean.
Where there is water now, there was ice before.
And when ice melts, it makes the frozen landscape tremble. Icequake.
Overflow. Salty.

You say it’s like being underwater. Everything is quiet, slowed down, a bubble in time. Cosmos in cosmos. I follow your voice my breath my attention my energy. Find light to warm me in the depths of the waters. Carry the light where it is rigid. Where there is frost. Where feelings wait locked in ice like sculptures telling my story. I embrace them, gently, breathe life into them, hold them tenderly when they return to life, fragile, pale and young, hatched. Hold them tenderly, held by you, breath – voice – energy. Four hands holding horror, grief, fear.
Held, for real. Not – to be too heavy. Not – being alone with pain and grief.
Connected. Held. Being allowed to be. Being allowed to be light. Not having to hold everything alone.
Trust, letting go, letting be, being.
Release.
Pain.
Peace.

Breathing into locked spaces.
Breathing in.
Breathing out.
Expanding.
Becoming wide.
Seaquake.
High tide.
Overflow.
Untold tears push to the light on this island, golden, safer space in safer space.
Lost. In my own shadow, my water, my agony, my fear.
Speaking into the void, into the dark inner emptiness vastness, no direction. Are you still there? – Yes.
Lifeline.

much gratitude for being my buddy diver & lifeline and for all your healing work @Judith